Not On My Mind
by malenburke
Summary: He wonders how soon the endless stream of people coming and going will bring her to him.
1. 1

**1.**

* * *

 _Dreams, that's where I have to go  
_ _To see your beautiful face anymore  
_ _I stare at a picture of you and listen to the radio_

* * *

 _One year._

Those two words slip out from the many buzzing thoughts in his mind, like ghostly whispers calling him from somewhere deep in the depths of his memories. Those two words had haunted him since the previous night.

The window feels cool against his shoulder, the comforting smell of coffee and freshly cooked eggs mixing in with the buzz of conversation. His cup of black coffee sits half-finished on the table. He can feel the warmth of the sun gently falling on his face, and he thinks of her.

 _"_ _You light up my life."_

So long as there is sunshine, he will always think of her. Nothing and no one he had ever known in his entire life shone brighter than she did.

 _"_ _And you light up mine."_

He is staring absently out the window, at busy people with busy lives, brushing past each other along the bustling New York streets. He wonders where they're going on such a lovely Saturday morning. He wonders if any among them ever stop to realise how lovely the day really is.

He wonders how soon the endless stream of people coming and going will bring her to him.

 _One year._


	2. 2

**_2._**

* * *

 _Hope, hope there's a conversation  
We both admit we had it good_

* * *

If he were to go back into the endless stream of memories, beyond the painful nights and dull aches of the past year, he would land himself back in this little café, on a late Monday afternoon.

He can see her sitting in the very seat across from him, her brilliant smile gracing her features. It's significant because she hasn't been so happy in a while. The stress of college life had gotten to her, and along with her recent falling out with Maya, she was a mess.

So he had brought her around New York instead of letting her stay holed up in her dorm with her work, because he knows that she needs it.

"You know, if you were so interested in that children's puppet show earlier, we could spend one evening watching it if you like," Lucas muses as he gives her a soft grin.

Riley laughs, and god, he loves her laugh. It's bright, and raw, and real. It's so natural to her, like she was born to laugh. And he loves it.

"Thanks Luke, but I'm pretty sure neither of us have the time to do that over the next few weeks." She's smiling, but he can tell from her eyes that the thought of all the work she had to complete was taking its toll on her again.

"I could put on my own puppet show for you," Lucas said, leaning forward over the table with a smirk. He feels his heart lift slightly as her eyes light up with amusement.

"Oh really?" she drawls, leaning towards him so that they mirror each other, their shared milkshake sitting between them.

"Why not? I have too many socks anyway. One day, you're gonna wake up to a cut up box at the end of your bed, and little puppets dancing around."

Riley laughs, and Lucas grins. "What story would you put on?"

"Well, there's this story that I particularly like."

Riley raises an eyebrow in question.

"It's about this guy. He meets a girl, you see, after she falls into his lap. And his life is never the same after that."

Riley's smile widens. "Tell me more about this story."

"Well, I wouldn't want to spoil the story for you," Lucas began, earning a grin from her, "but they really like each other, and even though things get hard, they end up together and last for the rest of their lives."

Riley blinks, momentarily stunned, before her smile fades into something soft and deep. "Do they really last forever?"

"They've got about five years under their belt now, and he really loves her, so I wouldn't be surprised."

Somehow he finds himself suddenly unable to breathe at the way the sunlight makes her glow, her warm brown eyes staring directly into his own green ones. Something swirls in her eyes, and she cracks a soft smile.

"I wouldn't be surprised either."

They gaze at each other, with gentle smiles and only inches between them. The quiet chatter of the other customers around them is suddenly muted. And in that moment it is just them, sitting at that quiet booth.

She closes the gap between them, and he is slightly taken aback, but once her soft lips are on his, nothing else matters. He feels her smile against his lips, and he can't help but smile too.

She pulls away, and he is slightly dazed. "What was that for?"

"I love you."

Just like that, that quiet Monday afternoon is forever etched into his memories, and he knows that another one of those unforgettable moments has made its way into his life.

On many days, he wishes he could forget them all. But he can't.


	3. 3

**3.**

* * *

 _But until then it's alienation, I know  
That much is understood  
And I realize_

* * *

 _"_ _Luke, your Texas self, what was he like?"_

He doesn't know when everything changed. Somehow, life had turned them away from each other, and with each day that they were barely able to talk, and with each conflicting schedule, they were torn apart.

It reaches a point where smiles never quite reached their eyes, and they exchange chaste kisses in the short periods of time that they get to see each other, because both are far too busy to do anything else.

 _"_ _He was troubled. Lost. Always angry. Always violent."_

Perhaps it was because he always thought that nothing could change them, that this was just a phase and it would all go away. That she would always be there. It was gradual, and slow.

So much that when she speaks the words, it hits him hard, and knocks the breath out of him.

She bites her lip, and his heart aches knowing that she's trying not to cry. "We can't do this anymore, Lucas."

And as it goes from his choked statements of disbelief to full on yelling, he realizes how much he truly lost her.

 _"_ _Does he still live inside you?"_

She reveals nights where she had been hurting, and he hadn't been there.

He argues that she never told him, and she screams right back that they never told each other anything anymore.

 _"_ _You repel him. With you around, he could never stay."_

It was so surreal to him that anything like this could happen. That anything could break them at all.

That anything could even come close to destroying Riley and Lucas. Yet here they were, destroying themselves.

 _"_ _He would never hurt me, then."_

He's angrier than he had ever been in his life at that point, angry at her for insinuating that their falling apart could be his fault, angry at himself for not seeing this sooner, and angry at the world and life and fate for not giving them a better story. For not giving them a better ending.

For ruining Riley and Lucas.

He almost hits her. Almost. He stops himself just as the realization that he _loves_ her overpowers his blinding rage, just as her eyes widen in fear and panic. His arm is raised, and she is cowering against the wall.

 _"_ _He would never hurt you."_

And suddenly he feels disgusted with himself. It's enough to make him hate himself for the rest of his life.

His arm lowers quickly, and all anger fades. "Riley-"

But she's sobbing now, breaking down into tears as she sinks onto the floor. There is a sharp pain deep inside him. He caused this. This is his fault. And he will never forgive himself.

He crouches down and tries to reach for her, but she shrinks away. He can't stand the way she's looking at him with wide fearful eyes, like he's a stranger, like he's dangerous and a monster and _everything_ he never wanted her to see him as.

So he backs away. He gets up to his feet, stumbling back, before flinging the door open and slamming it shut. He flees down the corridor, knowing fully well that he left his broken heart behind with her.

They never speak face to face again after that.


	4. 4

**4.**

* * *

 _If you ask me how I'm doing  
I would say I'm doing just fine  
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind_

* * *

It takes a while for their friends to realize what happened. He knows that it's because they've been so distant that there's almost no difference.

But no one really expected this. No one expected Riley and Lucas to come to an end. Not after this long.

But it did. It hurt him everyday knowing that it did.

He can't bring himself to face her after what he almost did. He promised that he had changed, that she had changed him, that he would never hurt her. Evidently, he was wrong.

And god, he _hates_ himself for it. He spends every miserable minute wishing he could take it back. He knows that if he goes to find her, she will forgive him, because that's who she is. But he will never forgive himself. And she deserves better than him.

Maya confronts him over the phone about two weeks after it happens, after she fully realizes what is happening.

"What happened?"

There is no angry hissing in her voice, no accusatory tone. Just confusion, and genuine concern.

He is silent, before sighing wearily. "I don't know."

She doesn't respond, and he knows that she knows what he did. He wonders how much Riley told her. He wonders what she knows about how Riley is doing.

"That wasn't you, Huckleberry." Her use of that old nickname in such a devastating situation was almost laughable. What was also laughable was what she was saying.

"Of course it was, Maya," he says bitterly. "It's who I've always been."

"Not anymore," she argues firmly. "I don't believe that. I don't believe that you can have Riley Matthews in your life, and not become someone different. Someone good, someone _better_! I don't believe that because I know, Lucas. I know what having her can do. I know that she means too much to give up. And I know that you mean too much to her to lose."

He is silent. He doesn't know what to say to that.

"It wasn't you, Lucas. You're so much better, so much more than that. You can't lose her."

For a moment, he considers her words. He considers running all the way to Riley and apologizing for everything he has ever done to hurt her, and promising that he will always be there for from now on, or maybe just kissing her because he misses her. He aches for her.

But he feels it all falling away. And something inside him chooses to believe that Maya is wrong.

"I don't deserve her."

He listens to the hum of silence on the other end. He gets the sense that Maya has so much more to say, but he feels her relenting. She sighs quietly, and then she speaks with a resigned tone.

"None of us do."

Those are the words that refuse to leave his mind long after Maya has hung up, while he's lying in bed thinking about her and how they got into this mess.

Was it even possible? To love someone as undeserving as he was? If Riley Matthews was too good for the world, but loved everyone in it anyway, did that make him count?

His demons win him over, and he spends the next year convincing himself that he doesn't deserve her and that someone out there can love her so much more than he can.

He convinces himself that he will be fine without her, that he can move on and that he can stay away from her, even though deep inside of him, there's a reflection of a girl with long brown hair and kind loving eyes telling him that he can't.


	5. 5

**5.**

* * *

 _But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two  
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,  
No matter what I say I'm not over you  
_ _Not over you_

* * *

Lucas is broken from his thoughts by the sound of tinkly laughter. His ears perk up because it sounds like hers. His head turns to the table nearby. It's not her, and he feels a familiar pang of disappointment.

He hasn't seen her in person for so long, because she avoids him now. He worries that he will forget how beautiful she looks when she's in the sunlight and when she's laughing, how she smells like flowers and strawberries, how wonderful it feels to just hold her.

He worries about letting her slip from his memories, even though he's spent the past year trying to convince himself that he should forget her.

The girl he's watching is with a guy. They seem to be on a date. Lucas has seen many couples on dates before, but this one feels different. The two are laughing and talking, with this air of deep affection and true, deep love that forces hundreds of memories of him and Riley out from the depths of his mind.

They come surging out, an unstoppable force of sweet memories that are now torture to him. He feels himself succumbing to the unbearable feeling of longing and pain.

They were like that once. Riley and Lucas. Living in a world that they made their own, blessed with a love between them that was simple, true and deep.

Lucas glances at the plate and cutlery set on the other side of his table. He's at a table for two out of habit, even though she never shows up. He can't come to this place and not sit here.

He can't spend the rest of his life this way. He needs to _move on_. He needs to stop wallowing in what he can't have anymore.

But he can't, because he knows what he felt for her. He loved her. _Loves_ her. It is that simple. And nothing else would replace what he felt for her.

Should he spend his life stuck in this constant cycle of pain and dull aches then? Or should he move on to another, a girl he will never love quite the same, another girl who deserves to be with someone who will truly love her?

His heart turns numb from all the pain as he stares at the empty seat in front of him. And more tinkly laughter coming from the nearby table reminds him of what he lost.


	6. 6

**6.**

* * *

 _Damn, damn girl, you do it well  
And I thought you were innocent  
Took this heart and put it through hell  
_ _But still you're magnificent_

* * *

The smell of alcohol hits him strong as he enters the party. It was a typical college party scene, with people dancing, drinking and making out everywhere. He's there to have a good time, along with several of his NYU friends.

He laughs as Justin hands him a cup, and they drink. An hour and a half later, he's dancing it out on the floor, having a great time.

That's until he sees her. The world stops spinning and everything else falls away.

She's here.

He hasn't seen her in a long time. Four months, to be exact. Four months since life had torn them away from each other, leaving fresh wounds in his heart that had yet to heal.

Seeing her there, more radiant and beautiful than ever… it ripped those wounds right open.

She's wearing a halter dress, mottled with pastel pink, yellow, blue and white, that he recognises. She stands out in the crowd of edgy clothing. Her hair is straightened, and somehow she's looking more stunning than usual.

But what takes his breath away is her smile. It lights up her face, and in the back of his mind he can see the thousands of times he's seen that smile. He hasn't seen it in so long, but the moment he does, he forgets about his pain and his self-loathing for just a while.

That's until he sees who she's beaming at. He feels the smile he didn't even realize was on his face fading.

It's some other guy, who he doesn't know but suddenly hates. He's a handsome guy, and he seems to be engaging Riley very well. They're laughing and dancing, and Lucas feels jealousy and rage rising up like a terrifying wave inside him. He had no right. How dare he talk to her like that, how dare he try to take her away from him-

The realization that she was no longer his hits him the same time he realizes that this innocent man didn't take Riley from him. It was him who drove her away. He had no right to be jealous anymore.

The rage subsides, and Lucas watches quietly. Riley is happy. She's happier than he had seen her in months of watching her from afar. It wasn't the guy dancing with her who had no right. It was himself.

He had no right to take happiness from her again.

He feels a strange calm watching her laugh. Somehow, knowing that she's happy gives him a sense of peace, even if it's not with him.

For a moment, her eyes sweep over him, but when they flicker back, he's already gone.


	7. 7

**7.**

* * *

 _I, I'm a boomerang, doesn't matter how you throw me  
I turn around and I'm back in the game  
Even better than the old me_

* * *

He feels like his life is moving forward again.

It's two weeks since that party and he's on a date with a really pretty girl. They've known each other for a while now.

Her name is Brenda. She's smart, funny, and kind. She's the first person to make him feel at ease for a very long time, and he's enjoying himself. For once, he's not thinking of Riley.

"I had a really great time," she says later on, as he's walking her back to her dorm. He smiles at her, because he did too. "Really?"

"Yeah," she says with a grin, her russet hair framing her face. "You're a great guy."

"Thanks," Lucas laughs. "You're not too shabby yourself."

Brenda rolls her eyes good-naturedly, smiling with amusement. "Well then, since I'm not too shabby, perhaps we could do this again?"

Lucas pauses for a brief moment. He hasn't been on a date for a long time. At least, not a first date. There is a sudden excitement at the idea of a second date. This was his chance. If he wanted to move on, this was it.

They've reached her door, and Brenda is looking up at him hopefully. He stares at her a while more, and then he smiles and speaks. "I would love to."

Brenda grins at him. "Great."

There is silence, and Lucas wonders what he's supposed to do or say. A sudden rush of courage surges through his veins, and the inner voices tell him to do it.

 _Get her out of your head._

So he leans down and kisses Brenda, and she kisses him back.

He feels the thoughts of _her_ begin to fall away, as he replaces the memories of her kiss with Brenda's.

The perfect end to a perfect date.


	8. 8

**8.**

* * *

 _But I'm not even close without you_

* * *

It's 2am. The streetlights and the moon cast a dim light into his room, throwing shadows across his ceiling. He's staring up in the darkness.

 _The perfect date. The perfect date._

He repeats that to himself many times, but somehow it doesn't register.

Because despite all that went well, despite his mind telling him that everything with Brenda had gone perfectly, his heart told him otherwise.

His heart told him that something was missing.

His heart told him that it had not been the perfect date.

His heart was going along with it, until he kissed her. She was a good kisser, and it was a sweet kiss. But he felt nothing. No sparks, no electricity surging through his veins, no light-headed daze when they pulled away. It was just a kiss. A plain kiss.

He feels like punching the wall in anger and frustration, because he knows that the only person who has ever made him feel that way is _her_. The one he had been trying so damn hard to forget. The one whose kisses he had been trying so damn hard to forget.

He hated that he couldn't force himself to expel her from his mind. He hated that he couldn't make the kiss between him and Brenda have that spark. He hated that he couldn't even control who he wanted to love.

Then he wonders, did he even want to love Brenda?

He knows he's just trying to stop loving Riley.

Was this it, then? Was he destined to lay here for many more countless nights, drowning in his pain and his regret and in his sorrow until the day it drove him to his grave? Was he destined to love only her for the rest of his life?

The inner voices, the ones from deep in the darkness of his mind, where raw truth and brutal honesty stirred, told him yes.

He did not sleep that night.

He would rather stare at the ceiling for hours, than stare into his mind.


End file.
